Absolute dependency on a carer is momentary at birth.
With every new skills we learn - motricity, communication, self-soothing, knowledge gulping, bonding... - we grow away from that dependency until finally, we realise we have feelings & thoughts that are our own, an identity, that we can stand on our feet; physically and emotionally. This realisation means freedom to disentangle ourselves from others, to take responsibility for our actions, to make choices.
Independence is learnt through practice, in the midst of relationships and meeting life.
It means consciously choosing, at all times, whether we accept the terms of engagement with others, whether we believe what we're told, whether we stay or leave, how to be who we want to be in each and every circumstance and relationship.
We are who we are. In that acceptance that we can’t change ourselves, we grow the ability to do the right thing by us, whether alone or in company.
That practice means we have something to offer the world, we truly become ourselves in all our potential and to share what we stand for, which ultimately allows us to do what we were born to do.
At the root of independence is a choice to accept our reality; who we are, our difference, our values - even though they may, seemingly, cause exclusion, conflict.
It is not a fight, it is a fact. The truth is that we don't need to fight for who we are, because we already are it - we just fear we need to acquire the permission to be ourselves, create the space for it. By just accepting that we are a separate entity, we automatically create that space and get permission.
Then we're left with needing to know and become ourselves.
Freedom is often misrepresented as a rebellion against responsibility and commitment, the ability to escape rules and let our whims drive our life.
Yet we never have more freedom than when we’re free of secrets, debts, and reproach.
An orderly life is restful and serene, it opens our time and energy to receive and endeavour, it makes our life larger, because no scheme or avoidance blocks our way.
As free beings, we get the choose, and consequently, to make bad choices.
Our freedom keeps us apart, however so slightly. Our rules are not everyone’s rules, our interest is not everyone’s interest, our concerns, not everyone’s concerns.
Navigating a world where everyone has their own agenda, focuses and values, means our actions will always disturb someone else’s plan. It also means whatever we pursue will find someone to be an obstacle.
Maybe the hurdle is there to nudge us in another direction.
Loyalty to what matters to us is always to right choice. We can’t regret our actions or lose ourselves when we follow our heart.
The trick is not in the instruction, it is in the practice. Our heart is not a smell in the wind, or the suave voice of charming company, or the latest trend or fancy.
Our heart is our purpose, our core values, how we recognise our selves, the people we love unconditionally, our inner truth. These are what we act by in true independence.
Discomforts, wounds, and disease are gifts to the soul. They show us what matters, they build our resilience, our acceptance, encourage us to get help and teach us the meaning of love.
When we ignore pain or more broadly feelings, or worse, try to shut them down, we fail to enlarge our spiritual life and access to the truth, a truth, our truth.
Pain is a guide to well-being, it shows us what doesn’t work, forces us to reconsider our choices. Overcoming pain is the fabric of personal experience.
Original thought and independent action have a charm in many ways, but when they interfere on others’ plans and seek to dictate, impose or supersede an agreement, they are just disruptive.
Independence does involve not depending on anyone’s compliance. When we confuse independence for vision and righteousness, our actions only create disharmony.
Instead, our unique gifts could contribute to a broader purpose, but only if we choose to belong after all.
Without Entanglement
Innocence (the unexpected)
Without pretence